Heaven or Hell
by innocent passerby
Summary: Just a little look at the afterlife for Haku.
1. Lost

**DISCLAIMER:**I do not own Naruto or the characters in the series. I wish I had a Sasuke doll to keep my Naruto doll company too... and a Haku doll, but the dont make them.. they dont make Zabuza either... :( 

**WARNING:** Spoilers I guess, not really anything hardcore, only a little itty bit of angst and romance. 

**SUMMARY:** Just a little look at the afterlife for Haku. 

****

_Have you ever given up everything for the simple reason of making the one you care about happy?  
Do you know the pain of abandonment?  
To be thrown away as hastily as yesterday's garbage...  
Have you ever truthfully cared about another more than you care about yourself?  
Have you ever closed your eyes and saw that person's face?  
Unguarded and ready to show you everything...  
Do you know the true meaning of pain?  
Of loneliness?  
Do you know what it feels like to be grateful?  
Do you hide from the eyes of those that scorn you?  
Do you put a mask on your heart?  
Do you believe in heaven?  
Do you believe in hell?_

_'Is heaven all that it's cracked up to be?'_  
A voice in my head asks me as I let my mind drift down it's usual path.  
_'Why must heaven be so painful?'_  
I strum my finger against the ice on the small puddle I am sitting near. Letting my finger slide across the sharp edge... but I feel no pain. My life really is over, and now I dont even have the pain as a reassurance that I exist.  
_'Pain is pain even if it is not physical. Pain is pain more if it is not physical...'_  
I look around at my surroundings. Beautiful scenery... shimmering silver everywhere. Soft blues and golds and all the brilliant colours that could warm the heart. People are smiling and free. Nothing is illegal. Nothing is immoral. It is impossible to hurt one another...  
_'If I'm surrounded by nothing but pleasures... how is it that I am still so sad?'_  
I can cry, but no tears come. I can try as hard as i can, but I can still change nothing. This heaven is more torture than I have endurred, even through my life on earth.  
_ 'This existance in heaven is hell.'_  
I rise from my kneeling position in one swift, fluid motion. I step on the puddle of ice, it holds my weight. I step again, and again... and I do not stop walking, not even when I step to a lake in the middle of heaven. I step on the water's surface, and I do not fall in.  
_ 'This loneliness is too consuming...'_  
I wish for nothing more than to see you again. To be by your side like it has always been. Now that you have shown me what was truly in your heart... and let slip your newest dream... to goto the same place as me... I can think of nothing else than to fulfil that wish... I lost your first dream on an indestructable shinobi weapon, so I need to grant you this.  
_ 'No pain in hell could surpass what I feel now. I will find a way to return to your side. No matter how long it will take me. No matter what it will cost me. I will be by your side once more.'_

****

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Hey, I wrote this a while back when I was really into the character of Haku, I still love Haku though, even though he was such a short lived character...... 


	2. Searching

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Zabuza or Haku, well... I do own a little 4 inch figurine of Zabuza I just got yesterday, and 2 Haku figurines will be mine by the end of the first week in December... bwehehehe.... 

**Warning:** Well, I guess it can be shounen ai (male x male love, or literally 'boy love') if you look at it in the right light... Well, I will let you decide whether you want it to be or not. 

**Author's note:** Well, because I had a few people want me to add onto this fic, I decided to do so, but I should let you know it probably wont be as good as you expect it to be... but I may be wrong too. If you like it, I can add a Zabuza POV bit too. Up to you. It's Haku's POV now by the way. 

****

I've spent tireless hours searching for any means of escape from this 'glorious' afterlife I was given. I've tried anything from trying to kill myself once more to begging the 'higher ups' to give me another chance. I have even managed to gain an opportunity to visit Earth, but it won't help me. The Man I am trying to reach is not part of the Earth as I knew it anymore. 

The attempted suicide got me nowhere. There is no way to kill a spiritual entity afterall. When I tried suffication I only realized that I didn't need air in my lungs as I used to. When I tried to make a dagger sharp enough with ice, it only tingled and felt cold as I cut through skin that didn't bleed. I'm even beginning to believe that this 'forgiveness' is nothing more than a punishment. If I had known that my fear of killing would have gotten me where I wanted to be least, away from the only Man that ever accepted my 'gift,' then I would have thrown away all my morals and killed in an instant. 

The only time I am truly at peace is when I slip into a dreamless sleep-like state, which I can only describe as a form of meditation, because the dead need no sleep. Only then am I not plagued by the feeling of helplessness that I have. 

In my heart I know there must be a way to reach Him. It's just hard to follow my heart when all my logic proves it false. 

And now I start a new day of tiring efforts to meet Him once again. Maybe I will find him, and maybe I won't. But I will not give up, no matter how long I try and fail. It's the one meaning I have left for this existance. If I don't try, then things are even more depressing for me. Even more hopeless. 

* * * * *

I will start my "day" with the usual planning. Trying to think of any possible answer to my never ceasing questions. Every day it seems to take more time to think of possibilities, I know that I will sometime run out of ideas and be forced to tread upon old answers if only to keep myself preoccupied. 

I'm outside, the weather is perfect. It's cool and breezy, and feels like the days I used to love best. There is a lake that I have claimed as my favourite spot. It's a small lake, with a large flat stone in the center. I freeze the top layer just long enough to walk to the stone and sit down, surrounded by water. His element was water, so that's where I feel most attached to him. It took me a long time to find this place, where I can look out on all sides and see the water move slightly under the pressures of the wind. 

I close my eyes and enter into a meditative state, and hope that some answers will be given there. I usually sit for what feels like hours, but I can't really claim for it to take anything more than seconds. Time is nothing here. There is no aging, there is no night, so time is just a familiar term that I use for the passing from one moment until the next. 

Today I decide that I will use that short visit to Earth that I was promised. Just so I can look around and see what lies there. New possibilities perhaps. New answers... because that's what I need most, answers. 

I do as I was told, letting down all my guards and concentrating on a single person that I would like to visit. What would happen if I concetrated on Him... would I make it farther than Earth? Will I visit Him in a sleep-state? That's what I was told, I could only visit in the form of a dream. 

I wonder why I never thought of that before, it has been many "days" since I was given this hiatus, but I never once thought of trying to visit Him, because I was told it would let me visit Earth. 

* * * * *

Hours, minutes, moments go by before I begin to give up on this idea all together. It seemed that it was a waste, even if I could visit Him, would He ever take the time to close his eyes and "sleep?" He was never the type to rest unless He was exhausted... and I also wonder if there was any way that anyone could find a time to rest where He is. 

As my mind begins to trail off from its concentration, I feel a tingling sensation in my abdomen. I don't understand it... but something tells me to concentrate harder. I go with my gut feeling and my thoughts trail once again to That Man. I think of His face, of His voice, of anything thing that I can remember. The tingling feeling seems to grow, and slowly even starts to consume me as if I am swallowed by the feeling. 

I wonder if I did something wrong, if this would go poorly, but my fears are set to ease when I arrive at my destination. When I look around, I see Him. I am at first too shocked to move or speak. He's really there, seemingly asleep, but I know there cannot be real sleep for Him. I approach Him slowly, carefully, and even though He is in my sight I feel the doubt of all my previous trials hold me back. 

"Zabuza san..?" I stammer weakly, taking another step closer. He stirs in his dream-state. Is this His dream? Or am I outside and have to find my way in before He wakes up? 

I finally manage to get by his side and I kneel down. I know I am smiling, I can feel the muscles in my cheeks tense just a little. I can see His face, He's not smiling. He hardly ever smiled, so I am used to the expression... He looks a little troubled. "Zabuza san?" I repeat myself, reaching a hand down to touch his face. 

I can hear myself gasp as I feel pressure on my wrist, for once I was not expecting Him to awaken so easily. He opens His eyes, and I can see the little bits of his barrier's cracks in those dark depths. At first He looks confused... then afraid? Why is He afraid of seeing me... or is He afraid of something else? 

"Haku?" His voice is deep and raspy, as I remember it to have been. He sits up, is this still His dream? How am I still here if He is awake? Then it hits me... I look around, this doesn't seem like Hell. It's familiar, I've been here before... it's where I first arrived... it's Heaven. 

**Author's note:** Well, what did you think? I hope I have pleased everyone, but if I didn't let me know about that too. 


End file.
